It started as absurdity. A simple meme — some poor Stepford wife drowning in Toll-House cookies and too many babies, fetching her husband one too many beers. Then a second meme, our fearless leader being interviewed: So far, Mr. President, we have War, Famine, and Disease as your accomplishments. What’s next? Is the Pale Horse waiting in the wings?
Funny. The kind of funny where you laugh and then quietly look for a desk to hide under.
But here’s the thing about seeds. You plant them as a joke and they grow whether you want them to or not. Two days later I can’t sleep, Revelations has taken over my pea brain, and what started as sarcasm has turned into something I can’t quite laugh off anymore.
So let me correct myself first, for those of you who actually read Revelation 6. My earlier memes had the order wrong. Let me introduce them properly this time.
The Red Horse — War
This Horseman is given a great sword and the power to take peace from the earth, causing individuals to slaughter one another.
What a disappointment that a horse this powerful had to be ridden by such a clown. The United States Secretary of War — sword in one hand, Jack Daniels in the other. You would think Project 2025 could have done better. Could have picked someone a little more competent. Maybe Wile E. Coyote. Maybe Yosemite Sam.
The most creative way to appear as the smartest man in the room is to fire everyone else with an IQ above ten and military experience beyond supply clerk. And the way we’re going through missiles, rockets, and airplanes, we may be back to throwing stones before this is over. Still more lethal than our fearless leader throwing insults.
He does look good on that mighty red steed though — hair slicked back, grey one day, black the next, streaked only on Sundays. His makeup team must travel by chariot just to keep him camera-ready for the updates on how we’re losing the war. Oh, sorry. The ten billion dollar skirmish.
All jokes aside — make no mistake about the seriousness of the role. Project 2025 wanted a puppet. The puppet has gotten loose and unleashed forces that may now be beyond anyone’s control.
The Black Horse — Famine
This rider carries scales, signifying severe scarcity and economic collapse. A day’s wages buys enough wheat for one person, while luxuries remain untouched for those who can afford them.
DOGE to the rescue. Look at all the children who have gone hungry since USAID was shut down. Sure, there was some corruption — but corruption can be fixed. Fixing it, however, would have left less money available for granite walkways, ballrooms, and fight cages.
After all, our own children don’t need SNAP benefits or free school lunches, do they? We have a true professional in charge of Education now. Soon those children won’t have a school to go to anyway. But not to worry — some children will be receiving a private education and a private chef will be preparing their lunches. You know which children.
The Black Horse has a primary rider but when he gets tired there are plenty of extras waiting to take the steed for a trot. Inflation rising. War driving fuel costs through the roof. Not just gasoline — heating, fertilizer, food, ENERGY. The answer from this administration? Defund alternate energy. No solar subsidies, no wind farms, no research. None of that lines their pockets. Dead birds have nothing to do with it.
Name one promise made that was kept — that actually helped you. Just one.
That’s the Black Horse.
The Pale Horse — Disease
This rider brings mass devastation through sword, famine, pestilence, and disease. Hades follows close behind.
Who looks better astride a sickly pale green horse than our very own Secretary of Health and Human Services? No more vaccinations. Measles returning. Whooping cough making a comeback nobody asked for. And somewhere in between, a man studying dead raccoon anatomy while children get sick.
When drug approval gets fast tracked because a podcaster asked the President to — okay, maybe it’s a good drug. But a podcaster influencing the FDA. Come on.
A Secretary of Health who suggested the toilet seat as a place of recreation, fired everyone competent, and replaced them with conspiracy theorists. These are the people now telling your pediatrician what’s best for your children.
The Pale Horse didn’t need an invitation. We rolled out the welcome mat and handed him the keys.
The White Horse — Conquest
Bearing a crown and a bow, this conqueror deceives humanity with false peace before unleashing global turmoil. Many scholars identify this rider as a false Messiah.
The only thing ever conquered was a pair of bone spurs — right after the draft ended. Fancy that. Our hero.
False peace. False peace prizes. Lies stacked on lies while the crayon writing on the Christian Nationalist kitchen wall gets harder and harder to ignore. And somewhere in that addled or calculating mind, a man on a white horse who has repeatedly — and I want to be clear about this, repeatedly — threatened to push a very large red button.
Is he senile or is it an act? Is this Don Quixote with Sancho having lost control? Or is everything going exactly as Project 2025 planned, and the chaos is the point?
Paranoid minds need to know.
Because if you’ve ever actually read Revelation, the part we’re living through right now isn’t the scary part.
