An Open Letter to Governor Tina Kotek and Mayor Keith Wilson: Portland’s Welcome Wagon for the Uninvited Guests
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An Open Letter to Governor Tina Kotek and Mayor Keith Wilson: Portland’s Welcome Wagon for the Uninvited Guests October 21, 2025
Dear Governor Kotek and Mayor Wilson,
As the dust settles from yet another federal court skirmish—courtesy of the Ninth Circuit’s grudging nod to the Trump administration’s latest power play—the boots of the National Guard are thudding toward Portland. Up to 200 Oregon guardsmen, with a potential California contingent hot on their heels, are en route to “protect” federal buildings like the ICE facility from what the White House hyperbolically dubs “war-ravaged” streets. We’ve sued, we’ve blocked, we’ve decried the Posse Comitatus violations and the blatant federal overreach into our state sovereignty. But now, with the appeals clock ticking and troops mobilizing as early as this weekend, it’s time to pivot from litigation to something sharper: a masterclass in Portland’s unyielding spirit of defiance through absurdity. Let’s not meet militarization with more marches or Molotovs. Let’s drown it in hospitality so generous, so disarmingly local, that it exposes the farce for what it is—a heavy-handed spectacle chasing ghosts.Here’s the playbook, straightforward and executable:
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Commandeer the Food Trucks: Rally a squad of our iconic mobile kitchens—Voodoo Doughnut for the sugar rush, Nong’s Khao Man Gai for that Thai soul food hug, and a fleet of taco wagons from the Alberta Arts District. Park them en masse at the deployment staging areas: Southwest Third Avenue by the ICE outpost, Pioneer Courthouse Square for good measure. No barricades, no chants—just free plates heaped high, courtesy of the city and state coffers. Let the guardsmen line up like tourists at the Saturday Market, fumbling for napkins amid the steam of sizzling carnitas.
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Mobilize the Servers: Assemble a company of hospitality pros—bartenders from the Pearl District’s craft cocktail dens, line cooks from food cart pods, and that army of baristas who treat espresso like an art form. Outfit them in “Welcome to Portland: Resistance with a Side of Fries” aprons. Their mission? Overwhelm the arrivals with waves of indulgence: bottomless pours of Stumptown Coffee (cold brew for the jet-lagged, pour-overs for the principled), world-renowned Portland pizza slices from Escape From New York or Sizzle Pie (extra za’atar for that Middle Eastern flair), and a rotating carousel of craft brews from Breakside or Deschutes to wash it down. Turn the drop zone into a pop-up block party, complete with indie playlists from KEXP—think Sleater-Kinney anthems underscoring the irony.
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Layer in the International Resistance: Because nothing says “global solidarity” like a bakery blitz. Source a fine selection of Danish pastries—flaky almond kringle, cheese-filled spandauer, and cinnamon-snail wisps—from our city’s Danish outposts like Scandia or the Nordic bakeries in the Hawthorne district. Deliver them in care packages labeled “From Copenhagen with Love: Sweet Dreams of Actual Resistance.” It’s a nod to the European allies who’ve long eyed America’s authoritarian flirtations with horror, and a reminder that true pushback pairs buttery layers with unyielding critique.
This isn’t surrender; it’s satire with stamina. Imagine the viral optics: camo-clad troops mid-bite into a marionberry Danish, scrolling TikTok for the next food truck drop, while Fox News pundits sputter about “liberal sabotage.” It humanizes the guardsmen—many of them our neighbors from Salem and Woodburn, not faceless enforcers—and undercuts the narrative of chaos. Portland doesn’t burn; it bakes, brews, and bewilders. And here’s the one more serious suggestion amid the whimsy: Call on all protesters to stay home. Nothing would speak louder than a reception for no one. No crowds to kettle, no headlines to hype, no “unrest” to justify the invasion. Let the streets echo with silence—a void so profound it broadcasts our contempt nationwide. We’ve proven the “threats” are overblown; small-scale, sedate gatherings of fewer than 30 souls don’t warrant Humvees. Deny them the drama. Let the Guard mill about empty plazas, sipping lattes and pondering why they were dragged here for a photo op. It’s the ultimate mic drop: Portland’s power isn’t in pitchforks, but in the principled pause. Governor Kotek, Mayor Wilson—this is your moment to lead with levity and leverage. You’ve fought the good fight in the courts; now win the cultural war on our terms. Authorize the logistics, fund the feast, amplify the all-clear for calm. Show America that when tyranny knocks, we answer with open arms, full bellies, and an empty stage.In defiant solidarity,
A Concerned Portlander (and the City That Keeps Rising) P.S. If the feds bill us for the coffee, we’ll send the tab to Mar-a-Lago—with a side of salt.
