BREAKING NEWS: TOP SECRET MAP LEAKED FROM WHITE HOUSE PRINTING HOUSE!
Washington, D.C. – January 3, 2026 – In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of power (and probably a few golf carts), unnamed sources have secreted away a highly classified parody map from the White House Printing House. This explosive document, dubbed “The United States of Trump,” reveals what insiders are calling the President’s most ambitious secret plan yet: to incorporate ALL of the Americas – North, South, Central, and even those sneaky islands – plus Greenland into one glorious, untied mega-nation!According to the leaked map, which features bold red lines redrawn with what appears to be a Sharpie (classic Trump touch), the new “United States of Trump” would stretch from the icy tip of Greenland (because, why not? It’s got great real estate potential) all the way down to the southernmost penguin parties in Antarctica – wait, no, just the Americas, but let’s be honest, penguins might be next. Key highlights include:
Canada renamed “Trump North” – “Because it’s basically our hat anyway,” per anonymous whispers.
Mexico becomes “Trump Wall Wonderland” – Complete with luxury resorts on both sides of the… well, you know.
Brazil as “Trump Amazon Prime” – Free two-day shipping on rainforests!
Greenland dubbed “Trump’s Ice Palace” – Plans include melting it for premium bottled water branded “Trump Melt.”
The entire continent unified under one flag: Stars, stripes, and a giant golden T.
The map, allegedly printed on super-secret White House stationery (with watermarks of tiny MAGA hats), outlines Trump’s masterstroke to “Make America Yuge Again” by absorbing neighbors through “deals so good, they’ll beg to join.” Unnamed sources claim this was hatched during late-night tweet storms, with input from shadowy advisors like “that guy from the MyPillow ads.”White House officials have neither confirmed nor denied the leak, but a spokesperson muttered something about “fake news” while nervously shredding documents. Meanwhile, international leaders are reportedly in panic mode – Trudeau’s already packing his hockey sticks, and Denmark’s like, “Greenland? Again?!”
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